


Loving you is the hardest thing I've ever done

by Tigi



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:02:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigi/pseuds/Tigi
Summary: Just a littel romance between two dead man





	Loving you is the hardest thing I've ever done

It started like every evening for Anton had begun now fir a long time.  
Sometimes even his days started like that, sometimes he gave in in the afternoon.  
The time never mattered.  
Sometimes days would pass, sometimes weeks.  
But he would always give in.  
It started with a drink.

Anton wasn't even really started when it all had went to hell.  
Maybe it was because of the people he lost to the war or generally to life.  
Maybe it was because he hot fired (or maybe he got fired because he was drinking he wasn't sure about that).  
Maybe one of thses events had just been a trigger.  
After all he had heared that alcoholism was somethingh you could inherit.  
Maybe it was because of the darkness of him, because of his gist.  
Hell ,maybe it didn't even mattered at all.  
After all the end was the same.  
He sitting in a bar on the best way to getting completly drunk.  
Not that he really cared.

Hell, he knew he shouldn't drink, knew all ably the reason he shouldn't and they were good reasons.  
But he just couldn't help it.  
Couldn't help the longing he had, the urge to drink.  
It was just so satisfying to feel it running down his throath, to feel it burning inside him.  
Feeling the numbnessoming, taking away all his stresses, making him relax.

,,Shudder?"asked a familiar voice.  
It was deep voice and a warm one.  
Shudder just wasn't sure why it sounded familiar.  
And honestly, he didn't wanted to turn around.  
Didn't wanted to face the disappointment, they always showed when they met him and saw him drunk.  
Realising that this wasn't the first time he had gotten drunk that week and that he didn't intended to stopp.  
He hated the disappointment.  
But the ones who told him that they understood him, were always worse.

Because they always told him to stopp.  
Told him that he had to get back on his feet.  
As if it was only a matter of willpower.  
As if Anton was a weak man.

,,I know it is you Anton."told him the voice finally.  
And Anton let a sigh escape from his lips.  
Why couldn't people just stay away from him?  
What was the matter with them?  
Didn't they had any lifes on their own?

And even trough the man,( because Anton was pretty sure it was a man talking to him, ) told him he knew it was Anton, Anton still didn't turned around.  
He just hoped the man would take the hint and leave him alone.

But instead of doing this, the man seat next to him, turning to face him.

,,I am not going away Anton."told the man him a matter of fact.  
His voice stardy and sure.

But that wasn't what threw Anton of his track, but what was so unusual was that he had never seen thus man before.  
He knew the voice sure.  
But the face?  
Anton had serious trouble placing it.

Even trough his vision was blurry, he knew that he didn't knew this face.  
And it wasn't because the face was easy to forget, in fact he should at least remeber the stunning red hair, looking like the bright red of a flame.  
But he couldn't.

And even trough the man (Anton was pretty sure the voice belonged to a man)

,,Do I know you?"managed Anton to ask.

,,You do."assured the man him and added ,,Listen Anton......"

,,Wait, I think......"interrupted Anton him and then stopped, because he was figuring out who the man was, the face still wasn't right trough........

,,Anton calm down."tried the man again, his voice reassuring.

But nothing could keep Anton calm any longer.

,,I do know you!"exclaimed Anton ,,But why..?"

,,I know."interrupted the man him, before he could finish his question.

,,But this isn't right."exclaimed Anton loudly.  
Maybe to loud, because everyone turned their heads towards them.  
Suddenly Anton got the feeling of beeing exposed and he couldn't stand that feeling.  
Narrowing his eyes he decided to do something against it.

Slowly he began to stand up.

,,Sit down."tried the man with the red hair and even grapped his arm.

It didn't stopped Anton trough.

,,No."told Anton him curtly and the turned towards all the people in the bar ,,Still starring....... "

While anton talked or rather yelled at the crowd the bartender made her way over to the man with the red hair.

,,Get your friend out, or we will throw you out."demanded the woman softly, but determined.  
The man with the red hair decided to not correct her on the matter, that Anton wasn't his friend.  
After all it probably didn't mattered.  
And he probably should get Anton out of the bar and somewhere were he could sober up safely.

So the man with the red hair chose to do as told.  
Grapping Anton and practically dragging him out.

The cold air hit him and made him shiver.  
Anton didn't seemed to have the same problem, he was stumbling and terrible unsure on his feet, but he had no problem with the cold it seemed.

Great, thought the man wrapping one arm around Antons waist and carrying and leading him.  
Well then, let's get him somewhere warm.

...........

Another headache.  
Great.  
Thought Anton, just great.  
He had obviously drunken again, way more then he should and again here he was.  
With another hangover.  
With a groan he opened his eyes and blinked in suprise.

This wasn't his bed.

Suprised he raised his head and looked around.  
Neither it was his room.  
Had he managed to meet somone and...?  
No, decided Anton, no one would take someone as drunk as him home.  
But then some had to have done this yesterday night, otherwise he wouldn't be here.

With another pained groan he tried to remeber and started to rub his temple, trying to fight the headache.  
But eventhough he tried all he could remember was drinking and from that one it got foggy.......

,,Finally awake?"asked a voice him suddenly and Anton immediately turned his head towards the voice.  
For a moment he became nausea from his sudden movement.  
But soon he could clearly see the man standing in the door frame.

Slowly he remebered at least something, triggered by the familiar sound of the voice.

,,I remember you."told Anton him and observed the man carefully.  
And then he added ,,But you weren't black then."  
Because he remebered the man, even trough he had only a faint imagine of the man, he knew that the man had had red hair and green eyes.  
The man he was currently looking at had black hair, dark eyes and black skin.  
But he had the exact same voice as the man from the last evening.

,,I wasn't."agreed the man and took a chair and sat down opposite of Anton.

,,So you are a shapeshiter?"asked Anton.

,,I am."confirmed the man.

For the next few moments Anton judt let that information let sink in.  
His head was still aching and it was hard to resist the urge to just fall asleep again and deal with all this later.  
But Anton had questions.

,,Why did you let me in?"asked Anton in the end.  
After all this had never happened.  
Anton got drunk and that was it, the Opel let him, went on and lived there live.  
After all he wasn't only a drunken man.  
He was a drunken gistmaster.  
A bitter smile formed on Antons facd, while he remebered.  
People always looked frightened at him, as soon as they knew his magic and they looked always frightened when he was drunk.  
Concered that he would lose control and kill them.

,,You looked lonley."answered the man softly in the end.

And when Anton looked in the mans eyes he really understood.  
There were a few more unspoken words.  
You looked lonely......like me.

.................

,,What is this meeting about?"

,,Something important."

,,You don't know either?"asked Saracen in disbelief.

,,Not really."admitt Dexter.

,,Then why the hell did you talk me into this? Why did you wake me up early, just to dragged me to an meeting that you don't know what it is about?"exclaimed Saracen.

,,I didn't wanted to go alone."muttered Dexter.

With a sigh Saracen rolled his eyes and continued to follow Dexter.  
At least, Saracen thought, it didn't took them more then five minutes to reach the meeting room.  
A nice room with a good wooden floor and two man looking at them, as soon as they entered.

One of them was black, with dark, brown eyes and greeting them with a smile.  
The other one was a silent man, with long black hair and sad brown eyes.  
The silent man had somethingh very......interesting about him, noticed Saracen.

,,I'll go and talk to them."excused Saracen himself.

,,No you won't."corrected Dexter with a smile ,,You will go over and flirt with the guy, who dresses like a funeral director."

Nit even bothering to reply Saracen walked over to the man with the long hair.

,,I am Saracen and you?"asked Saraceb with a broad smile, offering his hand.

,,Anton."came the curt answer and with that, a firm handshake.  
A silent one, thought Saracen, amused.

............

Anton didn't knew what to make put of Saracen.  
Thee was something strange about getting looked at......that way.  
Not the usual look of fear, or the look of understanding in Hopekess eyes.  
No, this was diffrent, there was something in Saracen eyes, that shone like a light, while he talked.  
It was irritating.  
And then there was the fact that he was smiling and acting as if listening to Anton was the most interesting he had ever done.  
But it wasn't only weird, it felt pretty great too.

When other people started to enter, one of them the infamous Skulduggery Pleasant, Anton thought that's it.  
Now he will walk away and talk to more interesting people.  
But he didn't.  
He staid.

Only when Corrival Deuce entered, Saracen actually shut up.  
And to his suprise Anton, felt as if he had just lost something.

.................

,,I can't believe that the first time we meet the others you chose to flirt with Saracen."

,,Why not?"asked Anton a littel defensive.  
After all there couldn't be anything wrong with flirting a littel bit, could it?

,,Out of all people Saracen? You certainly deserve better."

That took Antin by full suprise.  
He had never thought about deserving anything l, when it came to that kind of matter.  
There were so few people out there, who were willing to flirt with him.......it was almost astonishing.  
If it hadn't been so depressing.

,,Nothing happend."pointed Anton out.

,,Yet. As far as I know Saracen he won't give up until something has happend and then he will let you fall, as if nothing ever happend."argued Hopeless back.

..............

,,You shouldn't flirt with the new guy."

,,I am sure he knows it isn't serious."replied Saracen.

,,I am sure he doesn't."

...................

The first mission they had together required them to get a few horrser and immediately start travelling.

,,I am starting to hate this."muttered Larrkin.

,,It is just so boring."added Larrkin only a few seconds later.

,,Do you think it will take much longer?"asked Larrkin then.

,,If you mean with how long it will take, the amount of time till my patience runs out with you.....well then it certainly won't take any longer."answered Hopeless dryly.

,,I am not that annoying."protested Larrkin.

,,Let me assure you, you are."argued Hopeless back.

,,Well if I annoy you, you can just help me get rid of my boredom and I'll stop."promised Larrkin.

,,Then tell me how."asked Hopelessly immediatly.

,,You don't have to do much. Just tell me about your life."

It was strange to watch them talk. For a second Anton even felt as if he wasn't really there, more of an man watching a theater play, then beeing really there. Within seconds the two man had hone from talking to arguing about somethingh. ,,Strange how they just talk and talk and you get the feeling of not beeing involved in the last. We could just disappear and I don't think they would notice."told Saraceb him. Obviously think a lost alike Anton. It amazed him. ,,Yes, strange."agreed Anton. .................. They got from a mission and people started calling them lucky. Anton couldn't get himself to care, he had known from the very beginning that these missions were all going to be suicide missions. They probably all would die. He didn't really cared. He only knew that it helped at least a littel but, with staying away from alcohol. Not because it made him crave to drink any less, but because he just had no time to drink. They travelled, the eat and drank water, did their jobs and travelled some more. There was just no opportunity to get drunk. And Anton knew he couldn't get drunk, not even if he could, because he wasn't alone in enemy territory, but with other people who depended on him. The second time people started to call them, idiots. After all, why risk your lifes, when you had the luck to survive the first time? But Anton still couldn't care. He didn't felt like an idiot, bo he felt incredible. After alm this time Saracen had flirted with him again. The third time, they began to start calling them dead. ,,Have you heard yet, we my friend are the dead man."announced Saracen with a certain pride, after bursting into Antons room. ,,Dead man?"asked Anton confused. He was sitting on the bed in his hotel room, getting ready to sleep. ,,Yes, apparently they all think it is only a matter of time till we die. So we are the dead man."explained Saracen with a grin. Then he just sat down, next to Anton on the bed. ,,Why do you think that is so good?"asked Anton confused. ,,Oh, I am not so excited about that, I like living. It is just that I like the name."explained Saracen with a grin.

And then they suddenly went out of things to say and they were left with silence.  
For a moment Antin considered saying something just to fill the silence, but Saracen acted first.

Suddenly the other man leaned forward and kissed him on the lips and Anton just froze.  
The feeling of the warms lips in his.....it was strange, amazing, warm and familiar.  
And before Saracen could pull back and call it a mistake Anton was kissing him back.

That seemed to encourage Saracen, who moved forwards and wrapped his arms around neck. In the same time Saracen deepened the kiss.  
Taking that as a sign that Anton could be a littel more forward too, he let his arms wrapped around Saracens neck too.

After that Saracen began to become bold and let his hands wander and began to remove Antons shirt.

At that Anton froze again.  
After all he had no problem with kissing.  
But sex?  
That would make this difficult and in the future they would have to trust each other with their lifes.  
This couldn't happen.

,,I think we should stop."said Anton quietly.  
Even trough he hated to say it.  
But he knew it was right.  
After all this would be to complicated and ge remebered to what Hopeless had said.  
He will let you fall, as soon as he got what he want.

,,We might die tomorrow."replied Saracen.  
And it wasn't much of an argument.

But for Anton it was enough.  
When Saracen leaned forward and kissed him again, he let it happen.  
Even trough he knew it was wrong.  
But he couldn't care less.  
Not with the way Saracen looked at him, or the way he felt under Antons hands.

................

Waking up with somone in the same bed, usually meant to get up as quitly as possible and then to leave unnoticed.  
Not that it worked often, but it was always worth a try.

But for once Saracen felt as if this could be......more.  
More then just some random fling.  
Morev then sex.  
It could be something........meaningful, sonethingh real.

Looking at the man next to him, Saracen for once realised.  
Yes, this could be it.  
Maybe after all thses woman and man, he had finally the one he belonged with.

................

Never had Anton gotten so attached before and never had he felt this happy.  
Ok, they would probably die in the next few days, but at least they would die without having any regrets.  
Looking at Saracen, Anton knew at least he hadn't any.

And they did, made the best of their time, even trough sometimes Anton longed for more.  
When the war is over, he promised himself.  
Then we will have time for ourself, not just some stolen moments, but hours and even days.

Looking over at Saracen, Anton smiled and Saracen turned around and smiled back knowingly.

.....................

They lose Skulldugery.

Nobody why he has gone or when.  
Nobody knows if he is really dead or just needed a break.  
Nobody knows if he us really dead or deserted.

But they all feel left alone, and they all figure out that he must be out there.  
Maybe still seeking revenge for his familys death or maybe he just snapped.  
Either way they are all devastated and when they hear about it, none of them believe it at first.  
But eventually they accept.  
Looking at each lost, after all who is going to lead them now?  
Who will be the one telling them what to do?  
Who will take the rest of beeing the top target on their enemies list?  
Who will step up?

After a littel time, Hopeless takes a step forward and speaks up ,,We are all tired, we should rest and catch some sleep."

And with that it is decided, thinks Anton.

In only a matter of second they replaced one friend with another.  
It feels almost bitter, but he could never judge his friend for stepping up.  
After all one had to and Hopeless is probably suited the best for it anyway.

Still when Antin lets his gaze wander around, he wishes for Skulldugery beeing here.  
As if he knew of his thoughts, Saracen is suddenly there, squeezing his hand and giving him an understanding look.  
Anton smiles sadly back.

................

The next mission goes quity.  
Nobody talks much, not even Larrkin.  
All of them are still to spoken from Skulldugery leaving.  
Not dying.  
But leaving.  
All of them knew there was the possibility of dying.  
But they never thought of....leaving.

Looking at the front, Saracen can see Hopeless leading them back to their camp again.  
Seeing his friend taking over the leadership, rises mixed feelings.  
Anger, because Skulldugery just left.  
And gratitude directed to Hopeless for taking over.

Without looking, Saracen knows that next to him is Anton, thinking, maybe worrying about Skulldugery.  
Another reason to dislike the friend, that just left.  
Even trough Antons expression is as calm as usual, Saracen knows that his lover is hurt from Skulldugery erupt department.  
And he has every right to.

At the same time, it only seems to brings them closer together.

..................

Lord Vile comes.

Nobody knows who he really us or why he is this damn powerful.  
All they know is that he seems unstoppable.

Only days after his arriving, every one knows his name and everyone knows that he us deadly.  
Unstoppable.  
But worst off all he is dragging down the moral.

Hopeless has only to look around to see the looks every soldier has in their eyes, his friends have it too.  
It is the look of a somebody who thinks they are fighting for a lost coause.  
Nobody says it openly but it seems to be written in their eyes.  
Watching them, Hopeless wonders if Skulldugery would know what to do, how to brighten the mood and be a real leader.  
Some part of him thinks so, that part believes that Skulldugery would be the better leader.  
Another part of him reasons that no good leader would ever deserted his people.  
Maybe both of them are right.

Either way Hopeless has gotten the feeling that somehow he has to finger a way to get them back on the track.  
Or else one of them will actually say that it is a lost cause.  
And then one of then will act accordingly and deserted.  
And then they will fall apart.

Hopeless can't let this happen.  
So he tries to do his best, makes the best effort he can in listening to them, taking and joking.

And for some time it does works.

But in te end Hopeless is only fighting the symptoms and not the couse.  
Looking around Hopeless onows he is going to lose this fight.

.................

Ghastlys mother dies.

There is no denying anymore, they all by now have lost somebody and now when death has knocked on the door once more.  
But apart from Skulldugery nobody of them has lost anybody this close.  
All eyes dart towards Ghastly.  
Once again Anton can't help it, but think that Skulldugery should be here, that he should be the one to move next to Ghastly and say something comforting.  
Instead it is Hopeless.

And because they are both his friends Anton gets up and stands next to ghastly, not knowing what to say, but trying his best.  
Just being there.

Only a few seconds later Saracen is next to him, once again squeezing his hand supportive.  
Anton squeezes back.

.....................

Skulduggery comes back.

It is almost as much of a shock, as Skulldugery leaving.

,,I can't believe it."speaks Larrkin out what they all thing, but he is the only one smiling.

Skulldugery says, nothing and just stares blankly at them.  
At least that is what Saracen believes he is doing, it is hard to tell, because he is a skeleton.

,,I missed you Skully."announces Larrikin and bravely steps forward and hugs Skulldugery.

Apart from Larrkin, they all seem to be frozen, the only movement the rising and falling off their chests.

But then Ghastly steps forward and eyes Skulldugery unforgiving, but warm at the same time.

,,Don't every do this again."warns Ghastly him, but he hugs his old friend nonetheless.

Skullduggery still doesn't reply, as if he is to stunned to say anything.

..............

For a second, when they all start moving Hopeless us still frozen.  
Looking at his friend in utter confusion.  
And for a moment, when he saw all of his friends surround Skulldugery.....a part of him felt threatened.  
It was only a littel part, the part that quite like beeing a leader.  
A part that too feared, that now that Skulldugery was back, he just would be replaced.

For a second Hopeless acknowledged the feeling and then chose to ignore it for now.  
After all Skulldugery was back...

Stepping forward he made his way over to the group, joning them.

..............

Ghastly couldn't help, but feel happy the moment he cought sight of Skulldugery.  
He felt betrayed to, but above all he felt immensely happy just to see his friends back.  
Especially after his mother had died, it still hurt to have lost her.  
Every day seemed to remind him of that fact.  
But he one that he would come to peace with that.  
After all he knew that, she had known that she probably would die.  
And she had died, liked she lived.  
Fighting a greater evil, in form of Lord Vile.

And looking at Skulldugery, Ghastly felt, ad I'd this was some sign, that some of them weren't going to die in this war.  
Of course Skulldugery was kind of already dead......  
And of cousteau he was still Ghastly brst friend.  
It just felt so good to have him finally back.

But the moment he mst Skulldugery he knew there was something wrong too.  
His friend was just too quiet.  
Too unmoved.  
As if somethingh had happened......

Fir a while Ghastly tried to get Skulldugery to talk, but all of his offers where recused.  
So he figured out, to let Skulldugery decided when it was time to talk.  
After all if it was done major secret, Skulldugery would be hide it from Ghastly, anyway.

.............

,,So you are back?"asked Dexter, curiously.  
He had never known anything but the Skeleton Skulldugery and didn't ever meet him, while he was still alive.  
So he wasn't so shocked when he didn't immediately hot an answer.  
Dexter just always had figured that it wasn't personal, but because Skulldugery was still suffering the loos of

,,I think something happened to Skulldugery."spoke Anton, looking over to his lover.

,,Probably."replied Saracen, not looking at all that interested in talking

,,Do you think we should do something?"

,,Maybe....."

With a sigh Anton let it go, maybe Saracen was just not in a talking mood.

..............

They won the war.

It seemed to come to be an supruse for every one.  
But after the first shock everyone looked, relived, happy.  
Soon a littel party was organised and everyone was smiling, walking around and making small talk.

Saracen couldn't.  
Not with two of his best friends dead.  
It just tasted to bitter.  
Even only thinking about it, made him feel sad and angry all over again.

So he just suppressed the feelings and sought Anton out in the crowd.  
And there he was.

Looking rather uncomfortable l, but still making polite small talk.  
Saracen allowed himself a littel smile at that.  
At least Anton was still here and the offs were that they would be able to love a long and happy life from now on..........

..................

Anton couldn't believe that there was a party after the end of the war.  
Of course they had won, but all he could think about, were his dead friends.  
Both of them just......gone.

At least he left the party together with Saracen.

They even went home together for once.  
Or they went at least to the same hotel room.

I can get an apartment now, found Anton himself think when they entered.  
After all, from now on they....he wouldn't have to move so often.

Soon he was distracted from Saracen pressing against him and kissing.  
Without hesitation Anton kissed him back, trying to memorize this feeling of warm lips on his own.

,,I think I'll stay a littel."muttered Saracen.

................

The next morning was awkward.  
There was no mission waiting for them, nothing else to do for once.  
Just the two of them lying in bed and trying to figure put what to do next.

Slowly Saracen turned around facing Anton.  
It made him always wonder, why he had chosen Anton out of all people.  
Sure there was something about Anton,something dark and mysterious, but still....the man was certainly not beautiful.  
Attractive yes,but he lacked something that Saracen wasn't sure how to describe.  
Not that it mattered anyway.

More important tight now, was what he ought to do.  
Should he stay?  
Would they have breakfast and talk?  
Or should he just go, say his goodbyes and go for it?  
What was Anton expecting?

,,You can stay if you want."offered Anton trying to break the tension and making a suggestion.

Slowly Saracen relaxed.

,,Yes, that would be great."

And with that, the decision was made.  
At least for now, Saracen would stay a littel bit longer.

.............

The next few days were....great there was no other word for it.

They almost never staid in the hotel room, but instead wandered around, eating dinner or just going for a walk.  
It was the most romantic time, Anton had ever experienced and he wished it could lady for always.  
He was suprised at first how well they got along with each other.  
But maybe it shouldn't be such a suprise, after all opposites attract each other.  
Still.  
All the others people he had dated, had eventually run of.  
Leaving him behind, alone and confused.  
But Saracen.......staid.

Eventually it had to end.  
Of course they couldn't stay for this forever, after all a hotel room wasn't an apartment and they couldn't live forever without a kitchen.

Suddenly it began to feel to much of a lose to be alone again, to let ho.  
There had been times when they had been separated a long time before, but that had been back then, when they had been soldiers.  
Now there wasn't such a thing as a job, requiring them to not stay together.

,,Let's move together."  
Before Anton could stopp himself he had said thses words.  
Left them hanging in the air.

,,What?"was Saracens only reply, starring at Anton wide eyed and with something in his eyes, that Anton assumed must be shock.

,,Let's move in."repeated Anton ,,I love you and I want this, I want us to stay together.  
I don't want you to get a place and me another one, we would barely see each other.  
And I can't bear the thought to let this happen.  
Not if there is a possibility that you say yes."

For a second Saracen just said nothing, maybe thinking it over.  
Maybe searching for the right words.  
,,Yes."

.............

,,This is a nice littel apartment, with two bedrooms, perfectly suited for two friends."

Anton didn't bothered correcting him, after all he knew that there wouldn't be any understanding in this mans eyes.  
Only disgust.  
After all relationship between two people of the same gender weren't just frown upon, they were forbidden, considered unnatural.  
Still.  
Anton would have liked it so much to announce it aloud that he was together with this man.  
That he and Saracen were a thing.  
If one of us was a woman I could say it, thought Anton bitterly.  
But he swallowed the thought down, after all what use was there in thinking about what wasn't?

,,What do you say?"asked Anton absently minded.  
The apartment was nice enough, even with a nice furniture, that was included.  
But he didn't really cared, as long as he got to live with Saracen in it.

,,I like it."muttered Saracen and moved closer to him ,,It looks nice and it isn't to far away from our friends."told Saracen him.  
That made Anton froze, their friends.  
He had completly forgotten about them.  
Could he tell them about Saracen and him?  
And what should he say?  
Were they now a couple or friends with benefits?

,,I do to."replied Anton, his thoughts circling around the fact, that Saracen and he had never defined their relationship.  
Hell was it even a relationship?  
Sure the last days had certainly been full of activities that mostly couples did.  
But then Saracen had always been a man to be with a new person the next day.  
Casual.  
Was this two more of a casual thing?

They paid then and there.  
As soon as the man left, Saracen turned to face Anton, after he had closed the door.

,,What's the matter?"asked Saracen, looking even a littel concerned.  
,,Are you getting cold feet? Because I swear if you dragged me into this, just to....."

,,It isn't that. Moving in together is great."assured Anton him hurriedly.  
After all he didn't wanted Saracen to back out again.

,,So what is it? Tell me?"asked Saracen him walking over to Anton and then looking at him questioning.

,,It is just that we never defined what we are......"told Anton him, unsure to actually articulate, what he was thinking.

,,We are a couple."told Saracen him without hesitation, as if he had thoght about it too.

,,Really?"asked Anton still unsure.

,,Of course."told Saracen him and kissed him.

...............

And they were a couple.  
It was almost too good.  
The two of them started working again.  
Saracen mostly for the Sanctuary and Anton as a freelancer mostly.  
In his opinion the Sanctuaries were bound to be corrupt.  
Way to big and to hungry for power, that they could stay true to their goal.

It was still the best time Anton ever had had. .............. ,,So you and Saracen?"asked Dexter one day, out of the blue. They were both sitting in Dexter's living room, after having had lunch together. ,,Yes, why?"asked Anton. ,,It is just....no just forget, I said anything." ,,tell me." ,,No." ,,Dexter." ,,I just never thought you were is type."muttered Dexter. ,,Yoy don't think I'm his type."Anton frowned ,,You think Saracen and I don't match?" ,,No. I think you really match, you are great together, it is just....normally Saracen dates people......I don't know diffrent." ,,Why did you even brought it up?"asked Anton irritated. ,,I don't know and it was stupid. Just forget it." ,,Of course."muttered Anton. But he couldn't. All he could think about was these words. For a second he longed for Hopeless to be here, his friend would know what this all meant. Or he would at least listen and give advice to Anton. But Hopeless was dead. .............. What had Dexter even meant when he said that Anton wasn't his type? Looking at Saracen while he was cooking, he tried to figure it out. Seeing Saracen chop vegetables, didn't help much with that. It was even more of a distraction. ,,Why are you starring at me?" ,,I am not starring....just thinking." ,,Really? To me it looks like you are starring at me. Is there something you want to tell me?" ,,I am sorry. Just something somone said."told Anton him and looked away. ,,Was it important?"asked Saracen, not looking up from the vegetables. Just taking a moment and thinking his answer over, Anton looked at him. At his dark hair and dark, warm eyes, concentrated at his task. The eyes that had looked at him lovingly at him, while they kissed and at the warm lips he had kissed. This was a man he trusted, reasoned Anton, no need to talk about Saracens exes. Especially after there were so many exes. But then the past was gone. Over. ............. Sometimes Saracen wondered, what was going on behind these dark eyes. They were always so watchful and seemed to follow every move. Never stopping watching, but never revealing what was going on behind them. Still Saracen hat a feeling that if eyes were indeed a window to the soul, then Anton must have a beautiful soul. Of all freatures in his face, Saracen considered his eyes the best, the warmest. Hell, he could spent hours just looking at them. Not that he would, that would be just creepy. And yet at the same time it was the thing that Saracen confused the most about Anton. After all what was going on behind these watchful eyes? What was Anton thinking? He almost never said anything, or at least it felt like that half the time. And most of the time Saracen thought it was fine, on the other side, sometimes he really would like to know what Antons option on certain thinghs was. Like now. What was this thing what anton had been talking about. Looking up, from the soup he was making, Saracen watched his boyfriend. Currently Anton was reading a newspaper, and like most of the time.....not revealing anything. God, what had Anton meant? First starring at Saracen and then saying it was nothingh. ,,About earlier, are you sure, there us nothing you want to tell me?" ,,Yes." Frustrated Saracen looked at his boyfriend, but then decided to let it slip. After all it was Antons decision if he wanted to talk or not. ............. How can I be not his type? We are together for gods sake. With a sigh Anton laid away the book he was reading. He had already finished cooking and decided to read a littel before Saracen came home. Maybe he wasn't really referring to me per se, but to the kind of relationship we have.....after al Saracen nirmally seems to only do short lived things. Then another thought popped into Antos head. It isn't really that he is dating only for a short time, it is that he always seems to dates people, with who it is obvious he won't have a future. Married woman, for an example. No one would ever expect Saracen and that woman to work out. Generally Saracen seemed to like to get involved with people, which were....in other relationships. But I wasn't. Still. Now, we are together, but it seems like there is something wrong. Hell, I am reading way to much in what Dexter said, scolded Anton himself. He had no time to think more about it, as the door opened and Saracen came in. ,,It smells delicious."annluced Saracen immeditly witha grin. ,,Thanks." Slowly Anton walked over to Saracen. ,,So hiw was your day?" ,,Good. How it in the Sanctary going?" ,,They are boring me to death. I mean what is it with all the paperwork? Do they somehow think that it makes them any more credible and trustworthy if they lose a lot of paper? It doesn't."muttered Saracen,,It so doesn't." ,,You sound upset..?" ,,Just forget about it. Work is just boring sometimes."with that Saracen kissed him almost shyly on the lips. ,,Dinner is ready."reminded Anton him softly. ,,Dinner can wait."replied Saracen starting to kiss Antons jawline softly and then grinned at him. ,,I have something better in mind."assured Saracen him. ...............

Laying awake in the middle of the night wasn't fun.  
If Saracen could he never would do that.  
Sadly it didn't seemed like he had a say in that.  
For a moment he considered getting up and doing something, but that would have woken Anton up and he didn't wanted that.  
And the bed was pretty comfortable, especially with Antons warm body next to him, so chances were that he would fall asleep if he would just wait.

Sometimes he wondered why it happend to him and if it happend to the others to.  
Were they sometimes woken up by nightmares?  
Dud they felt haunted by their dead compared, like he did?  
Or did they moved on, like they all had seemed to?  
Was he the only one left with painful memories that haunted him sometimes during the day and followed him trough the night?  
He knew that they all mourned occasionally, but he wasn't sure if the dead of their two best friends had the same impact on them as it had on him.

All theses questions, thought Saracen.  
At least he had Anton.  
That was always Saracen was glad for.  
It always seemed like Anton was calm and confident, with a goal in his mind.  
Like a rock, to Saracen.  
But only metaphorically, because Anton sure as hell was more compaftable then a rock.  
And suprisingly cuddly.

Sighing Saracen closed his eyes, determined to go back to sleep again.  
I will move on, he told himself.  
One day I will find a way to life with the fact that they died.  
Deep down he knew it was a lie.

...........

In an attempt to not lose contact to the rest of the dead man, Anton tried to meet at least one of them ever week.  
Not that he really thought he would manage that for long.  
Eventually their would be monthlong gaps beween every meeting.  
Months would turn into years and years in decades.  
But that was the way of life.  
After all they were now living all their own lifes.  
Still that didn't mean Anton couldn't try to fight it.

So he had scheduled to eat dinner with Dexter, or what was more likely visit some bars.  
He had never gotten why Dexter would rather go partying, instead of just eating dinner and have a nice talk.  
But then Dexter liked to socialize and flirt.  
Neither did Anton like to socialize nor was he single.

,,Perfectly in time."greeted Dexter him with a grin ,,There are some bars I want to hit."  
With that Antons suspicion was confirmed.  
Suppressing a sigh he followed Dexter to the next bar.

It was a small bar with few people in it and Dexter didn't seemed to enjoy it very much, so they moved on.  
The next bar was bigger, but a littel to crowded for Antons liking.

And then adding to this, Dexter soon found a woman to make out with.  
Seeing as they didn't looked as if they soon would stopp, Anton left Dexter and the woman to.....do wathever they were going to end up doing.  
Of course he only left after saying quickly good bye.

Walking trough the streets, he breathed in the cold air and relaxed.  
He like this.  
At this part of the night, almost nobody was out in the streets and the coldness was refreshing.

Still he was relieved to make it back to his warm apartment.  
While entering he did his best to be quit, so that Saracen wouldn't wake up.

Slowly he made his way trough the dark apartment, sneaking as quit as possibly and tried desperately not to bump into something.  
His last encounter with they dining table was still haunting him.  
Running into a wooden table,when you couldn't really see anything.....it hurt.

But this time he managed to avoide the table, only to run into door.  
Not only did that hurt a littel and made him feel incredibly stupid, but it too made an loud sound.  
He had definitely woken up Saracen know.  
With a sigh he tried to find the door handle, to get into the bedroom and in his bed, to sleep.  
And then he would apologise to Saracen for waking him up.  
God, Saraceb would probably be really tired and not happy to be woken up.

And true enough he heard somone moving and groaning tiredly.

,,What the hell....?"

That made Anton froze.  
It was definitely a mans voice, but not Saracenes.  
What the hell?, indeed thought Anton grimly.  
Suddenly his thoughts were running wild.  
A thief, he thought first, but then a thief wouldn't say anything, or sound as if he had just woken up.  
Maybe another kind of intruder?  
A person Saracen let sleep at their place?

Whatever it was, Anton really wanted to find out.  
He didn't liked to have a strange man in his bedroom in the slightested way.

Finally finding the door handle he opened the door and entered.  
Only to find an unexpected scenario before him.  
The window only let some moon light in the room, but it was enough to make out the important details.  
Two man.  
In his and Saracens bed.  
Both looking tired.  
One of them Saracen.  
One a stranger he had never seen before.  
Both naked.

For a second Antons brain just refused to make the connection.  
Refused to admit that he was seeing what he was.  
For a second he was just standing there and starring, nit able to move.

,,Anton, I.....this...."began Saracen, his eyes huge and apolitical.

That broke Antons frozen state.  
Without any word he just turned and left.  
He could hear Saracen getting out of the bed and following him.

,,Wait, Anton...please. Wait."yelled Saracen after him.  
Sounding desperate and guilty all the same.

Anton didn't even slowed down, quite the contrary, he stated to almost run.  
Not looking behind he crossed trough the living room, reaching the door.

,,Don't let is end like this."begged Saracen ,,Please, Anton what we have is way to good to...end like this. I love you, you know that, so please?  
Let us work this out."

For a second Anton froze.  
The feeling of betraying was burning inside him.  
Anger, fury, sadness, grief, confusion.  
All of that seemed to fill him up and at the same time, he felt strangely calm.

He knew that Saracen must be standing in the living room, waiting for an answer.  
Hoping that Anton would give him a second chance.  
That there was still hope for them.  
That this wasn't the end.

And Anton realised he didn't wanted this to be the end.  
He loved Saracen and Saracen loved him.  
But sometimes this isn't enough.

Without looking back he turned around and left.  
He ignored everything else Saracen telked after him.  
Ghastly Anton flew into the cold nights embrace.  
Swallowed by the darkness.

..................

Tears were running over Saracens cheeks while he watched Anton leave.  
The only man I ever really loved.  
And I ruined it.  
Swallowing hard, he went back to on the apartment and started to put on clothes.

,,What are you doing?"asked the man in his and Antons bed, confused.

,,I am going."told Saracen him curtly.  
He knew that it wasn't fair to let his anger put on this man.  
After all the man hadn't known he was in a relationship.  
Still.  
He couldn't help it.  
Because if he couldn't blame this man, then that left him only with himself to blame.  
And that was a too bitter thought to bear.

.............

Anton knew he couldn't stay at any of the other dead mans places.  
Saracen would look their for him and Anton had no intention of seeing him in the next few years.  
Maybe longer.

Finally far enough away, Anton started to slow down and let his feelings catch up with him.  
His first reaction was shock, betrayal and then anger at Saracen for ruining all they had had .  
But after that he was only left with grief for their relationship.  
Breathing slowly out, ge tried to calm himself but he couldn't.  
Sarace had cheated on him.  
The love of his life.  
It was a bitter thought.

After the realisation hit in, Anton was left with only one question.  
Why?  
Why cheat on him, if Saraen claimed to love him?  
Hell.  
Why?  
God, why?  
Couldn't they have made it?  
Why was he denied this, why couldn't they just be happy?  
Hell.  
Damn it.

I need a place to stay.  
I can never go back to this place, not after this.  
As far away as possibly.  
And Saracen can't be able to find me.  
Not an easy task.

But Anyon knew it would ge possibly and he had something in mind.  
It always had been kind of a dream for him.  
A place that was neutral.  
A refugee.  
For everyone.  
Protected from all the corrupt people in the world.  
Far away from Saracen.

With a sad smile on his face Anton made his way and didn't stopped walking.  
He would need to get out of Dublin.

............

,,Have you seen Anton?"

,,Are you sure?"

,,Have you heard if him?"

,,When was the last time....?"

,,Has he somhow communicated with you..?"

,,Have you any idea were he could be?"

No one could tell Saracen anything.  
All his questions led him nowhere.  
Anton was......gone.

Without any word.  
Without any message at all.  
Just.....gone.

And Saracen didn't knew how to find him.  
He had tried all their friends.  
After that he had asked every person he knew and then he started to ask the few people, he knew Anton knew.  
Nothing.  
He asked.  
But there was no answer.  
It was devastating.

Their friends started to ask were Anton was.  
Why out off all the suddenly Saracen was alone.  
Left behind.  
No not left behind, corrected Saracen himself, I left him first.  
By cheating....I left him.  
And now he's gone.

I need to find him.  
This can't be the end.  
We were perfect.  
I need him.  
Please.

..............

It wasn't so hard in the end.  
And it was perfect.  
Beautiful even.  
And practical too.

The best part, was that with this as his new home, Saracen would never find him.

And it was the worst part too.

Even with knowing what Saracen had done.....  
Still he missed him so badly.  
Longed to give him a second chance, just to be together with Saracen again.  
To just kiss him one more time.  
To hold him in his arms.  
To look him on the eyes.  
To tell him, that Anton loved him.  
Just one more time.

But Anton knew that he couldn't go back.  
Once a cheater, always a cheater.  
The sentence had a bitter but a true ring to it, at the same time.  
He cheated on me, thought Anton, and he would do it again.  
Somehow he got the awful feeling that Saracen felt incredibly guilty, that he regretted it.  
But he would still do it again.  
And he would break Antona heart all over again.

..........

,,Enough is enough."

Saracen looked surprised up, into Ghastlys determined face.

,,What?"

,,You have to tell us why Anton is gone. Maybe it is unpleasant for you, but we all are worried."stated Ghastly as a matter of fact.

I know, thought Saratacen.  
I am concered to.  
And I feel so incredibly guilt, so deeply ashamed of myself.

,,I can't tell."  
He didn't needed to look at Ghastly tp know, that his words weren't well received.  
But he just couldn't tell.  
How could he ever possibly do it?  
After all they were his and Antons friends and they would to have chose sides.  
At least if Anton and he ge would go separate ways....badly.

Hell.  
He was lying to himself.  
It was just.  
He didn't thought he would be able to bear the looks they would give him.  
They would know.  
And they would judge him.  
Not necessarily with bad intention  
But they would.  
And it wouldn't be good.

,,At some point you will have to."

Maybe.  
But nor know.  
I can pretend just a littel longer.

............

There was nothing as good as this.  
Travelling ever twelve hours.  
Seeing so much if the world.  
But he still missed Saracen.  
Missed the way he had been there, after long day of work.  
Missed beeing able to have somone around, to have company like this.  
Missed sleeping next to his side and waking up, next to him the next morning.  
Missed everything.

,,Why?"  
He knew his question would go unanswered.  
That Saracen probably had no answer himself.  
Still.  
He wondered.  
Why did Saracen gave all they had?  
Or had he even thought if it as something he had to give up, or had there entire relationship been....nothing to him?  
God, why had it to end this way?  
Hell.

At least there were some people he could trust.  
His friends were still back there.

Alone for their sake ge had to go back.  
At least that was what he told himself.  
Above all he wanted to see Saracen.  
Maybe they could never be together again.  
Hell.  
Seeing him couldn't hurt, could it?

............

,,I cheated on him."whispered Saracen almost inaudible.

Next to him Dexter was sitting, looking rather uncomfortable.  
But that was only to be inspected.  
After all Saracen drahged him to his apartment, only to make him swear hear him out.  
He hadn't asked for secrecy.  
If he could he would only tell one person.  
Get it over in one talk.

,,You did what?"asked Dexter, as if he was trying to figure out if he just misunderstood.  
Looked as if he didn't believed Saracen would ever do something like this.  
But Saracen had.  
From now on e he wouldn't only ne the one to sleep with man and woman, who were married or in relationships.  
He would be too, the one who cheated on his boyfriend.  
On the one person he had a future with.  
He ruined the one relationship that could have been something.  
Ruined the one futher in which we wouldn't have been alone.

,,I cheated on him."

,,On Anton."

,,Yes."

,,With whom."

,,I don't know."

,,Why?"

A question Saracen gad asked himself often enough.  
Why?  
Why had he been so stupid to throw the one really amazing thing he had away?  
Why?  
Hell.  
He wasn't even drunk.still, he dined everything.  
With one decision.  
He hated it.

,,I don't know."

,,I see."  
And with that Dexter got up and left.

Saracen told himself, that his friend would come back.  
But deep down he wasn't sure.

............

It was one of the rainy days in Irleand.  
Looking out of the window Ghastly wondered why it had happened.  
For once two dead man had seemed utterly and completly happy.  
And then one of them ruined it for both of them.

While the tailor sewed he wondered what the reason had been.  
Wondered if they would get back together.  
Or if it was final.

A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts.  
With a frown Ghastly stood up, usally Skulduggery was to late, not to early.

Walking over to the door, ge cought sight of the silhouette of the man, standing before his door.  
Defenitly not Skulldugery.  
Could it be ....?

His steps were quicker now and when he reached the door he pulled it swiftly open.

,,I thought you were gone."

,,I was."and then ,,I back."

It was an unecessary thingh to say.  
Normally.  
But this time, it seemed somehow important.  
Maybe because both of them couldn't believe it.

,,Come in."invited Ghastly him.

,,Thanks."

Both of them walked in silence in the living room and Ghastly immediatly wondered what Anton had done.  
Were he had gone to.  
And most importantly he wondered, if Anton would take Saracen back.

,,So what did I miss?"asked Anton calmly.

...............

,,He's back."

More Saracen didn't needed to know.  
Immediatly he was on his way, after all he wouldn't take any chances, or he may miss Anton.  
God.  
Apparently Antom had a hotel now.  
He's made his way.  
But then Anton had always been a guy to go trough with things and not hestaired much.  
Hell.  
What was he thinking.  
He should concentrate on the important thinghs.  
He should concentrate on Anton and winning him back.

Speed walking trough Dublins street, Saracen tried to figure out a way to fetAnton to take him back.  
He didn't found one.

.............

He had always know that meeting Saracen again would be only a matter of time, if he went back to Dublin.  
Not that Anton hadn't thought of just avoiding for a littel longer.  
But that would only make it hurt worse.  
Well, at least that was what he thought when he was making everything ready, to go back to Dublin.

With Saracen standing before him, he wasn't so sure anymore.  
The man before him had still the dark hair and deep, dark brown eyes.  
The dark eyes he had lost himself in.  
And Anton could bet, that he still had that beautiful smile, he loved so much.  
And at the same time it was an completly diffrent Saracen, standing before him.  
The Saracen he remebered would never have cheated on him.  
This one did.

,,Can I come in?"  
For a second Anton just wanted to say no.  
But then that wouldn't solve thinghs.  
Nothing ever would.

,,Yes."

They both settled down in the loving room.  
Anton in his new favourite sitting chair.  
Saracen opposite of him, in the dark couch, looking nervous.

,,What do you want?"asked Anton, taking the direct approach.  
He was far away from wanting to make small talk as possible.

,,I want you."replied Saracen softly.

You had your chance.  
You blew it.  
You burned it down.

,,Maybe."

,,I am serious Anton. I am sorry, hell I can even begin to tell you how much. Sometimes I hate myself for what I have done. I ruined it." Anton says nothing. Even trough he would like to, vermuch even. He would love to be able to tell Saracen that it doesn't matters. That he forgives him and that everything is fine. But it isn't. Nothing is fine. Nothing will ever be.

,,I know I don't deserve it, but I love it and I know you still love me."

,,I do." Anton almost wishes he doesn't. It is painful to love Saracen, knowing what his former lover did.

,,So please, for the sake of our love, give usa chance again. Just one more and I will never again cheat, I swear." It's a plea, one last try to make their relationship work again.

,,I am sorry." And Anton is, so unimagnable sorry, that it hurts him. His throat is strangely tight and there is a sadness in his heart, he can't begin to describe.

Hell, he aches to be back together with Saracen. All of his dreams are about it, about them and their best times. In his dreams they are together and he sees Saracen ploughing and he looks in Saracens eyes and they kiss and everything is perfect.

But then there are the nightmares. Or more correctly the memories that haunted him in sleep still. As if living trough it one time wasn't enough, he says the betrayal before his inner eye again and again.

,,Why?"

A question Anton asked himself often enough. After all people get cheated on all the time and they her back together and they become a happy couple.

Why can't he be one of them?

Is it because he denies himself the only happiness he had that didn't vanished over time?

Or is it because he can't bring himself to trust Saracen ever?

,,He wasn't the only one." It is a statement. Even trough Anton isn't sure, but it is kind of logic. After all if Saracen had only cheated once, what would be the odds that he would cheat the night Anton comes back early? They are pretty slim.

Over time he came to the bitter conclusion that there must have been more. Still, when he looks at Saracen, he sees ònece again the man he loves. He looks into thses dark eyes, that ploughed and smiled at him so often, that seemed so damn warm. These eyes, which he thought he could lose himself in forever.

God.

He wishes for denial.

Hell.

He wishes to be wrong.

Doesn't want to be right. All he wants is to proven wrong. He wants it so badly. His mouth is dry and he wishes so badly to be wrong. All he wants us to her a no, and he will take Saracen back. Lean over and kiss him.

,,I am sorry." It hurts. Once again, all over. The knowledge that it wasn't even a slip that separated them, but a long ongoing betrayal. It cuts into his heart and makes it shatter all over again.

After all the time it took Anton to put his heart back together, piece by piece this feels as if someone took a hammer and smashed it to even smaller pieces. Saracens face is full of guilt and honest regret, his eyes full of an apology.

,,Why?" Antons voice is trembling and he almost stumbles across the word Hell even thinking about it cuts through what I'd left of his heart again. And he can't bear any longer to look at Saracen, instead focuses on his hand and balls it into a fist.

,,I don't know." And Anton is left speechless. There relationship destroyed.....and all he gets is a I don't know. It tastes bitter. Especially because he knows what this means. He looks over at the man he loves, at the man he craves.

,,I love you Saracen, with all my heart. Every time you smile, I want to smile with you, your laugh is the best thingh I have ever heart and I want to spent the rest of my love with you. Never once have I felt so at peace so at ease...with myself, as I have been with you. You are indeed the best thing that ever happend to me." It seems as if a weigh is taken away from Anton, finally he has said it. It feels as if he can finally can breath again, after drowning for weeks. Finally he has come true.

,,That's perfect." Saracen beams and a smile lights his face up. The honest, warm smile Anyon loves so much.

,,Your the worst that happened to me too."adds Anton. And these words are true to. But theses words hurt. Especially when he sees the guilt flicker over Saracens face.

,,What do you mean?"

,,I love you Saracen, truly. But we? We aren't good towards each other....."

,,No, Anton...please. Don't end this, please. Don't. We love each other."

,,I know and maybe if you were diffrent......if I were diffrent and could trust you again...." ,,So this is about trust, please Anton you must know...."begins Saracen, hus eyes wide and his voice panicked.

,,No this isn't about trust."tells Anton him softly and once again his throat feels to tight and he can feel the tears in the corner of his eyes. But he can't cry, he dud that often enough.

,,Trust isn't the problem, Saracen. I would trust you again and I would live you again.....

And you would break my heart again."Anton states it as a matter of fact. Saracen doesn't argue.

,,Are you sure?" A question. One last flicker of hope.

,,You broke my heart. I can live trough that again."tells Anton him quickly and gets up, suppressing the urge to shake. He feels nauseous and he hated that he just said it.

All he wants sits in front of him. Still he doesn't reach out. He can't. Not after he hot hurt this bad.

,,So this is it?" The questions is numb and they both dread the answer, still they both now it.

,,Yes." After the he goes. He hates himself for it. For every single step, he hates himself Still he goes. It is better like this, he tells himself.

..............

Saracen leaves. Never looking over the shoulder, it justhirts to much. I love him, he loves me and still-he broke up. This isn't right. We are practically meant for each other. So why? Why this? What us the sense behind this?

Finally I settle down with somebody, only to fall back into old habits to ruin it all. Saracen thinks it all over and realises, he thinks I would cheat him again. Which leaves him with the question: Would I?

No. But then....he hates it but there is this feeling that no isn't the right answer. That it is lie he tell himself to make himself feel better about it. But he quickly dismisses it. If he can't answer with a no, after all, what would make that him?

.................

Years go by. The love doesn't grow much less. Of course it starts to fade with time, but it never truly goes away. Every time he sees Saracen, he feels rembered of everything.

Their love a littel spark and Saracen the oxygen that makes it burts into a flame sometimes.

Anton learns to love and hates these moments. Nothing ever felt as good as loving seven. Nothing ever hurt as bad. Some times Anton even searched for some relief at the ground of bottle. But to his suprise not even alcohol can numb him enough. It tastes bitter, that his addiction was just replaced with another one. A worse one.

For loving Saracen is the worst and best thing at the same time. Will always be. Till the end. Over the decades he sometimes sees less or more of Saracen. Everytime it becomes to much to bear, to miss Saracen, he just tags along with one of the other dead man. Like the addict he is.

When he sees Saracen smile, surrounded by their friends, Anton knows that he is living for these moments. And dying for them as well. Sometimes he wishes that the feeling would just leave him.

That he could stop loving. Or love somone else That it could just fade. It doesn't. And maybe Anton thinks, that is okay. For nothing feels as good as loving Saracen. And nothing hurts as much.

........

Over the years Saracen can't help it, but every time when one of the dead man Mets Anton, he comes along

. Always eager to see his former boyfriend. Not too much of couse, not so much that he would ask Anton again, to give him a chance.

But long enough to make sure that Anton is okay, that he still is there. Anton has his hotel. Saracen travels, not as much as Dexter, but enough to see his fair share of the world. Sometimes he likes to believe that he may come across the midnight hotel in one of the cities te visits. He never does.

All he ever dies his longing back for his old life. Odd, he thinks, that he only was a year together with Anton and still this time changed everything. In every city, he Hope's to see his love again.

Hope's that maybe fate or something else will help him. That the universe would give him another chance. But it doesn't. And Saracen just feels homesick, but instead of longing for his home, Irelande, he wants back to Anton.

I am a fool, tells Saracen himself. And tries to forget Anton, in the only way he can imagine. Every woman and man he most he asks put, he uses every line, he can imagine. Hoping one of them may replace Anton. Make him feel whole again. None of them can. For, truly every human beeing is unique. .

...........

Over time Anton hears rumour and gossip of all the people Saracen dated. Way to much for his liking. But then he broke up with Saracren.

So he tries not to judge. It still hurts trough. Watching Saraven fawning over a man or woman. Of course he knows that Saracen will leave them soon enough. And he feels ashamed for taking reassurance in that. But he can't help it. It hurts to much. It always does.

..............

,,What is with Anton and Saracen?"

,,This is a thing that doesn't concerns us, dear Valkyrie."replies Skulldugery tilting his head.

,,Why? What happend?" Now Valkyrie is even more curious. Damn that talking Skeleton that always gives the worst answers.

,,Nothing that should concern you." That tone hates Valkyrie specifically, it is the this-is-a-grown-up-thing tone. She thinks it is stupid. Narrowing her eyes she mutters Skulduggery. After all she isn't dumb.

,,Did they used to date?"

,,I am a good teacher."is Skulldugerys only reply. She rolls her eyes at that. ,,What happend?"

,,What always happens life."

,,That's not an answer."points Valkyrie out.

,,I just can't tell you."replies Skulduggery.

,,Ok."

.............

The girl is a change, seeing her reminds Anton that the world is still moving on. Maybe he should to. After all Skulldugery seems so much happier with her, passing all his wisdom on and stuff.

Not that this is what Anton has in mind. But he could do something. Anything. Maybe he should date again, of course he starred to do that, after he broke up with Saracen. But he stopped more then once, and maybe it is time to start again.

...........

,,What us the matter with Anton and Saracen?"

,,Oh, no, Skulldugery warned me." ,,He really did?"asks Valkyrie with a grin.

,,He did."confirms Ghastly.

,,But whafhatm us there even in asking?" ,,Some things are better left sleeping."replies Ghastly.

,,So Saracen did cheat on Anton?"asks Valkyrie.

,,How do you..?"

,,Skulldugery can be a good teacher."tells Valkyrie him. But she can't really smile, knowing that she was right. It just doesn't feel right.

...............

Things change rapidly. Serpine and Baron Vangeous die. Visions of Darquesse start. Saracen tries to help Dexter with the god murder weapons. They fail. Lately everything seems kind of to be failing.

...........

_Going back with Erskine to protect him from possibly danger seems like a good 8dea._

_at least at first it does, but when a suthe sperarets Antons head from his shoulders he starts to think differently about it._

_Maybe it would have been better, to just let Erskines dearg happen, thinghs Anton. Ironic, thathe and Ghastly still would live, if they hadn't tried to save Erskines life, who in return killed them._

_While the scythe starts to separate Antons head from his body, his last thoughts go to Saracen One again, his love I'd he only thing he can seem to thi k of. Even now dying. All he wishes is, for one last chance to be together. Nothing cuts as deep as the betrayal that Erskine is putting them trough. Almost nothing. Even trough he us dying,Antonfeels a smile firm on his face Even now getting beheaded by a Cleaver, commanded by one of his best friends. Nothing hurts as much as loving Saracen._

_............._

_Seeing the video rips him apart. Watching stand knowing that he us utterly, completly hopeless. It makes Saracen want to scream to throw thinghs._

_He wants to go and hunt Erskine ._ _Then to kill him really slowly and painfully. But he can't. They have a mission. Later he promises himself._

_.........._

_Later he has to fight with Erskine. Side by side. It makes Saracen want to throw up makes him want to just kill this bastard, even if it means that the world gets destroyed. He can live with that. As long as Erskine gets what he deserves. Saracens fine with the world going to waste. All he can think about us anton. It just hurts so god damn much._

_..............._

_Dying is almost a relief, thinks Saracen numblyz when it has become time. He knows he can't live any longer or he will become the enemy. Literally. So he let's Dexter put an end to it. Saracen almost hates himself for it, for letting Fexter do it. He feels as if he should do it himself,feels as if it is his duty to._

_,,I have to."declares Dexter. Saracen doesn't argue. He's just glad, that he doesn't had todo it. When the gun shot echoes trough the woods, allSaracen can think about Anton. His dead love._


End file.
